Posted on: September 17, 2010 9:51 pm
Edited on: September 17, 2010 9:53 pm
AP Dateline: September 17th, 2010, New York City, NY
New York City riot squad was called to the front of the offices of the National Football League, when it was reported that a bunch of angry women were circling the sidewalk, yelling and making cat calls. After a few moments, police left the scene without incident and it was reported that a female officer was seen running into the liquor store and returning to the scene with a bottle of champagne.
When asked why the women were protesting, the organizer Mary Jones stated “protesting hell, we’re celebrating that Clinton Portis opted to become a professional football player and not a gynecologist.”
Podunk Iowa, September 17th, 2010
Edna Brown was one of twenty women from the St,. Agnes Retirement Home who arrived at the Podunk Chronicle looking to apply for the position of sports reporter. When asked what her qualifications were and why she wanted the position, a 75 year old Edna Brown told the editor “oh, I have no qualifications. You see, since Herb had his bypass surgery, he can no longer take Viagra and well, I understand that in those locker rooms there are 53 men for the picking”. Of the other 19 applicants, none were under the age of 70 with the oldest being 90.
It seems the controversy over the NFL and women in the locker rooms had a positive effect for the WNBA. While attendance at the games remained low, press coverage was at a record high tonight. When asked why all the sudden interest in the team, a spokesperson said “oh I don’t think there’s an increased interest. With all the fuss over in the NFL, it finally dawned on them that they can enter a woman’s locker room too. Only took them 30 years to figure that one out”.
Having reported on the local sports scene for a month now, Jonathon was disappointed that he had yet to see a woman athlete in the state of undressed during the locker room interview. All that would change the night he covered the St. Agnes’s game. The next day it was reported that they found him huddled in a corner staring at the ceiling in horror, mumbling “be careful what you wish for”. While it wasn’t the sight of a naked 75 year old Edna that had done it, the scene of her standing in front of him, shaking all she had asking him if he wanted some of this pushed him over the edge.
Celia’s appeal to her audience was neither her brains nor her reporting ability. When her station told her she would be covering a charity game between the Bears and the Rams, she was excited because here was her chance to make it to national television. After arriving at the site, she was disappointed that the two teams weren’t the famed NFL teams but from an off-shoot regional league. Prepared to make the best of it, she decided to do it up with the charm and appeal on camera. Unfortunately, the man she was interviewing didn’t respond the way she had hoped. By the third interview, and her frustration growing because she wasn’t invoking the response, she angrily asked the player in front of her…“what’s wrong with you all, are you all gay?” The player responded “why yes honey, we are, good to see you finally figured that out”.
The young rookie linebacker from USC thought he was going to be so cool and cute while being interviewed in the buff by the seasoned female reporter in front of him. When he asked what she thought of his package, without blinking an eye she told him “unless it is able to sack a quarterback, deflect a ball from a wide receiver, I doubt my readers would be interested in it”.
Note: To my knowledge none of this is true...but you know, the celebration in front of NFL headquarters might be fun.
Posted on: March 2, 2010 6:18 am
There I was, it was a perfect early morning. Everyone in the house was asleep and when I woke up, even the cats were somewhere dozing peacefully and for awhile, all was right with world. Coffee was brewing and the scent filled the house, with a wonderful smell. As I sat at the computer, an infomercial droned in the background, more for noise then anything else. With no interruptions, no cats climbing across the keyboard or jumping up and trying to grab my arm, I set about my morning routine on the computer. There was no indication that things were about to go horribly awry.
The source was innocent enough, a site that I had requested to receive periodic updates through email. As I read through it, I felt my eye twitch and my hand begin to shake. I let go of the mouse as if it sent some electric charge through the wireless object into my hand, and without realizing it, I let out a loud no, more of a sorrowful moan then a coherent word. And, as surreal as a Salvador Dali painting time stood still as I read over and over again…”sign up now for Food Network’s Fantasy Iron Chef Challenge”…
Waking up in a cold sweat, with my heart thumping hard in my chest, as one of my cats was walking all over me (I’m guessing I cried out in my sleep), I realized it was only a dream. A nightmare that was born from some dark recess in my subconscious. A psychologist somewhere may attribute it to post traumatic stress disorder, me, I’ll blame it on the baked beans that I had for dinner. And as I became fully awake, I sat for a moment pondering, which was more bizarre, this dream of the opportunity to choose Bobby Flay to lead my fantasy team, or the one where I was Mrs. Potato Head, recreating that commercial where she looses her lips (that one was brought on by a meat lovers pizza).
Okay, honestly, how can fantasy sports not invade my subconscious? Go to any sports site at anytime and you’ll see something about a fantasy draft or line ups, whether it’s football, basketball, hockey, etc. Rumor had it, there was even a competition for a fantasy curling team during the Olympics. And for professional football, with nothing else to really discuss except free agency, the draft and which quarterback was better (Manning or Brady), in a way, it’s logical for some to start looking at next seasons fantasy football draft, after all, there’s not much else to do until mini-camps begin and seriously, unless you’re a Saints fan, how often can you sit and watch SB XLIV highlights anyway.
Yet, somehow, I still scratch my head at the idea of fantasy football. It could be that, after actually having tried it for a season, I was a complete failure (trust me, the Rams did better then I did, despite having Drew Brees as my quarterback). Maybe because it’s completely stats driven, from the draft through the season and in a sense fails to take into account the intangibles. I mean, who’d have thought that there would be a game where Brees would rely on a running game and not put up stellar numbers for that week? And really, wasn’t Steve Slaton suppose to be one of last years fantasy stud at running back, yet it was Matt Schaub who surprised everyone in the position of quarterback.
I guess that’s where my issue comes in. Is it black and white, in regards to the stats alone when drafting? Certainly the analysis based off of the previous years performance is hit or miss. Example would be the 2008 fantasy football draft. Given stats alone, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was considered a hot pickup for his 32 touchdowns with 11 interceptions by the end of the 2007 season. Yet, even a homer like myself wouldn’t have drafted him as my quarterback in 08 given the defenses the Steelers offense was going to face. However, given his 08 statistics, he turned out to be (for most) a surprise by the end of the 09 season, having passed for over 4000 yds. (Yeah, I’m still kicking myself for actually trading him as my backup in exchange for a wide receiver). So going ito 2010, it may seem that the Steelers franchise quarterback would be a hot pick, however, gut instincts tell me that Ben’s numbers will go down as we see the Steelers go back to a more balanced offense. Not saying that he’ll be a fantasy bust, after all, Miss Cleo says that the Steelers offense will fire fast and hard until the 3d quarter and then go back to ball control to grind out the clock. Okay, I actually didn’t consult Miss Cleo on this, but from what Steelers President, Art Rooney III said at the end of the season about making the running game important again kind of leads me to believe this.
If it were all black and white, then of course I’d look at picking up Big Ben as my quarterback for next season. Then again, black and white would tell me not to take Roethlisberger as my fantasy team quarterback. Let’s face it, the scenario with Roethlisberger has too many shades of gray, I mean, an offense where the QB threw for 4000 yards with 2 1000 yards receivers and add a 1000 yard running back to boot by the end of the season. And yes, if you’re wondering, I traded away Rashard Mendenhall early last season too.
It’s no secret this coming seasons hot commodity is Tennessee Titans Chris Johnson, yet given Vince Youngs improvement last season, it’s very possible that we can see CJ have a season like the Vikings Adrian Peterson did last year. Not saying that Peterson had a bad year, after all he did run for over 1300 yards, but with the Vikings having a quarterback that was actually able to get the ball to his wide receivers, AP’s numbers did drop from the year before (In 2008, Peterson ran for over 1700 yards). I know, 400 yards less then the year before doesn’t seem like much but it does mean a lot in FFB. I’d be more apt to pickup whoever the Jets were starting, or go with Cardinals Beanie Wells because I see Mark Sanchez improving and Matt Leinart being better then what is being projected. Of course, I do that and my luck, the quarterback becomes a fantasy stud and my running back, a fantasy dud.
Now I’m not saying that there aren’t some sure things in fantasy football. Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and, yes, even the Cowboys Tony Romo have consistently been sure things. However, the one thing I’ve learned is, that like regular football, in fantasy football one player doesn’t make a team (otherwise I’d have won the trophy last season with Brees as my quarterback). And that for me, somehow trying to incorporate the intangibles into a game based on stats wasn’t the wisest move. Yet, as much as I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the whole concept and have publicly sworn off of FFB (I just can’t bear to see my team die the slow death that it did last season), I understand the addiction.
Yes, I understand the addiction well. Because that nightmare I had mentioned earlier was more of a response to a small itch that surfaced at the talk of keeper leagues. Somewhere, in the deep, dark corners of my mind a little voice is going..come on Denise, give it one more try…you know you want to see if you can do better then last season…you know you had some fun with it…prove to them you’re not a loser. Logic would tell me that another season of fantasy football for me would be like betting on the 2008 Steelers to beat the spread. I’ll just remember that I’m old school. That football is as much about the intangibles, as it is about the stats. And to that little voice that is attempting to seduce me to give it one more try, to you I’ll say….get thee behind me satan…or quote Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth, with “out, out, damn spot”. And if that fails…well….I’ll just commit myself to a 12 step program for fantasy football addicts anonymous and focus on the cookies.
I do leave this with one word of advice…if someone tells you, you can win with Drew Brees alone on your team, don’t believe them, I proved that theory wrong.
Posted on: September 12, 2009 10:39 am
Edited on: September 12, 2009 10:42 am
Lately, I’ve been pondering whether I should make this public or not. In the midst of all the revelations of these public persons going outside of their marriage to find their “happiness”, I’ve noticed, that something has changed with my husband and suspect, that he too, may have a new love. Maybe love is not the correct word, maybe it’s more of an interest, or almost an obsession.
I know, this is probably not the best place to air my concerns, but, well, sometimes I feel at a lost. Things were just – different between he and I. The “passion”, well, the “passion” doesn’t seem to be there between us right now. Maybe it’s a phase, they say that happens with marriages. Then again, I do know he has a new “interest”, I see the time that he devotes to that *sigh* “interest” and often wonder, can I compete. I’ve wrestled with this for a few days and wondered what I can do to save us. Do I invest in new “clothes” and “toys” to renew his interest? Do I change what I “do” just to make him “happy?”.
I know, I’m grasping at straws and perhaps, maybe seeing things that aren’t there. But when I try to talk to him about it, he just seems to tune me out. And I’ll admit, a lot of it is my fault. After all, how many more times, in the heat of “battle”, do I have to remind him about what had happened in the past? And I can see where I’ve been incessant on my side and not so understanding when he’s tried to talk about his new “interest”, instead just nodding, pretending to hear. Then the other night, he told me, he just didn’t want to hear it anymore and it wasn’t too long after that, that I had found out the cold hard truth which left me stunned. Now I have to face the facts that my husband is involved with….
A different football pool then I’m on.
I’m so ashamed that I’ve failed him and can only think that I drove him to it. Maybe it was the week long jubilation after the Steelers won the Super Bowl or insisting on talking about how making James Harrison the DPOY was the right decision. Maybe it was taking over the tv and making him watch America’s Game on NFL network. Of course, it didn’t help my cause when I stood in front of the tv trying to discuss my fantasy football team with him while his character in Fallout 3 was being killed by a super mutant and would refuse to get out of the way so he could see what he was fighting. But it was a bad day already and I had been so confused as to whether I should have kept Randal El or swap him for Justin Gage. (In the end, I took Gage).
And yes, maybe I’m overreacting. His “passion” for football and the Colts will obviously return come Sunday when the team that he roots for actually plays. Of course I was a little concerned Thursday when he wasn’t THAT interested in watching the game, but then again, he was enjoying the comedy series known as South Carolina politics, and knowing that politics is his second passion, I can see why he wouldn’t have had the same interest level in the opening game as I did.
I guess I can still salvage our mutual competition when it comes to football. After all, he already had the satisfaction of me having to declare him a football god (which of course, he doesn’t let me forget), and unless the Colts and Steelers meet up in the post season, unlike last year, there’s nothing in the regular season for us to compete over. (Really going to boring in the house until then).
And as far as the new “interest”, well, if I can’t compete with an Xbox 360, I can always throw it out.
Just another football season in our household.
Posted on: August 8, 2009 8:57 pm
It was two hours before the draft and my husband looked at my wish list and told me that I was screwed. At that point I threatened to lock him in the bedroom during the draft because I was so assured of my picks that I had a good line up…nope, he told me, I was screwed. He ended up actually going to take a nap during my draft time but not before he reminded me of how he showed me that he was a football god and that I should listen to him about my decisions.
If my first draft is any indication of how I’ll do in fantasy football, then, my husband is correct, I’m screwed and I will see my first fantasy team dying a more painful death then my daughters nano-pets. Okay, maybe not so bad, but to tell you that I ended up with rookie wide receiver Michael Crabtree will tell you how the draft got away from me.
So two hours to draft time, my line up was all set, laid out precisely like I wanted it. Wish list in hand, I went over it with him. Fourth pick in the draft, I figured that I’d get a chance at least at one of the top QBs in the league so I laid out the four in my wish list:
Dadluvsfootball: “Why are you picking Kurt Warner”…
Me: “Cause he has Fitzgerald and Boldin to go to”
Dadluvsfootball: “So go for Fitz or Boldin”
Me: “They’ll be gone”
Dadluvsfootball: “You know you’re screwed, right?”
Well sometimes wishes come true and sometimes they don’t. Brees actually fell to me in the first round so Warner was a moot point and though I wasn’t able to get Forte, Peterson or Slaton, the running backs I really wanted, I did get Jonathon Stewart from the Carolina Panthers. And it was actually going pretty okay until the seventh round and I started wondering who I actually had on my roster. Note to CBS…don’t make the autodrafts in the subsequent rounds go so fast, us old folks and newbies have issues keeping up with it.
I began losing WRs and by the end of the draft, my team looked like a Steelers homer pick, at least when it came to RBs, which was never my intention. I wanted variety, I wanted flair, I wanted a chance to win. Knowing I needed another WR in my draft, my last pick was Michael Crabtree, wasn’t it? At least, on the bright side, I have an excuse not to get into it next year.
Oh and if you’re wondering…this is how my picks went down:
Round 1: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans
Round 2: Jonathon Stewart, RB, Carolina
Round 3: Steve Smith, WR, Carolina
Round 4: Steelers, DST
Round 5: Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh
Round 6: Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh
Okay so everything up to here was pretty much planned (did I mention I almost forgot to pickup a TE).
Round 7: Heath Miller, TE, Pittsburgh (yeah, Dallas Clark was already gone)
Round 8: Josh Scobee, K, Jacksonville (why didn’t I pickup Jeff Reed like I was planning on)
Round 9: Tim Hightower, RB, Arizona (actually I think this is a good pick, call it gut instinct)
Round 10: Todd Heap, TE, Baltimore Ravens (hey, he was available, couldn’t pass him up)
Round 11: Felix Jones, RB, Dallas
Okay, here I started picking wildly
Round 12: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Pittsburgh
Round 13: Chris Henry, WR, Cincinatti
Round 14: Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco…maybe
Oh well, if it works out as badly as my tending my daughters tamaguchi pets, then I won’t have to worry about this becoming a major addiction like the virtual zoo I’m trying to build.
Posted on: July 29, 2009 2:10 pm
Have I ever mentioned that I have an addictive personality? No, I don’t mean that if you get to know me that somehow I’ll grow on you, not addictive that way. What I mean is that I’m really lucky that I’ve never tried cocaine. See, if I find myself committing to something I tend to jump in with both feet and give it my all and just, somehow, can’t seem to get enough, unless, of course it was tending my daughters tameguchi pets or furbies.
Okay, you may be asking why I’m rambling like this. Well, if you’ve ever “read me”, you know that I have a tendency to ramble. If this is your first time, welcome to the other side of my “looking glass”. No, actually I mention this because, well, I’ve decided to jump, not feet first, but head first into yes…*gasp*…fantasy football. Yep, Mom’s Cookie Crunchers will make it’s regular season debut, and yes, I can feel the addiction starting.
So ten days away from draft day, I’ve already been trying to line up my roster. I’ve been reviewing the expert rankings and other information put out by the Fantasy Football guru’s here at CBS Sports and other sites and jotting down gut feelings. Now, I’ll admit, my draft choices probably will not be finalized until the day before the draft. I’ve already changed my mind on the QB I’m drafting five times now, and that’s since 9 a.m. this morning (I’m really leery of picking up Tom Brady and would prefer to know what brand of hair products he uses before I commit)..
Now common sense would tell me NOT to do this. I’ve always used the excuse of how I have a tendency to kill off my daughters computer generated pets not too long after they hatch to keep from getting involved in a team. And, yes, I should know better, since my small dabbling in the playoff fantasy football here on CBS Sports, left me with only two players come time for the division playoffs last season. So basically, yes, I even killed off my first fantasy football team. And, of course, silly me, event though I’m pretty good at giving others pretty good advise, I rarely pay attention to my instincts (okay, that’s not always true, but in this instance…).
Unfortunately it’s too late, I’ve committed so I tend to see it through. I want to do this right too. I’ve studied up on what’s involved, know it’s about points generated mostly off of stats. Understand a little bit about the draft and making week to week decisions, but I do have some burning questions….
On draft day, do I pull out the chips and dip or will wine and cheese suffice?
No one is expecting camera’s in my war room are they?
Do I go with a logo, or should I be like the Cleveland Browns and stay logoless…after all, how terrifying is a chocolate chip cookie with a bite out of it as a logo?
Should I look into getting a custom jersey made with the name of my team on the front and if I do, what colors should I go with? Brown is just not that appealing, nor do I look good in it. And if I get a jersey, do I swap jersey’s through out the day, switching from one jersey to the Steelers jersey and back again, or do I just wear it under or over my Steelers jersey?
I’m assuming that the system will automatically track points, but should I get a notebook to track them too, just in case, or should I just use excel? And if I use excel, should I create an access database so I can run reports off the spreadsheet? But if I go with paper, I could create some really cool graphics to put on my notebook.
Unfortunately, I have a feeling these are questions and decision that I will have to make on my own. When I ask my husband and daughter, they just shake their heads and mutter something about mom having lost it again and remind me of the years worth of soap we still have from my soap making venture, and comment how lucky we are to be able to light up the whole city of Columbia with all the candles that I’ve made (or they’ll just look at the 5 cd’s I have that are filled with signature graphics used for other sites, or the 3 other cd’s that hold html, xml and css files for graphics for my various websites that I maintain).
Oh well, I have ten days to make those decisions, at the very least. In the meantime, wish me luck. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tend my virtual farm that I created on Facebook, I spent too much time planting all the flowers there to let them die due to lack of virtual watering.
Posted on: May 11, 2009 4:18 pm
Edited on: May 11, 2009 4:31 pm
Sunday morning found me staring out the window intensely gazing at the beginnings of the first bloom on my magnolia tree. There were tiny little birds dancing around the bottom, hopefully eating some of the red ants that infested the yard. Don’t ask me why I was staring out at a tree that was only 5 foot high, I couldn’t tell you, I just know I was watching the blossom.
Spring normally comes early to the south, at least here in South Carolina. It’s arrival rarely spectacular, but often ushered in with the scent of the Carolina Jessamine and the blooms of the azaleas, and then, a series of bloom, one variety offsetting another when the previous blooms fade. What is not deniable is what the blooms of the magnolia’s signify, the cusp that teeters between spring and the always early arrival of summer, despite the calendar referencing otherwise.
Sunday, it was as if I had been awakened from a dream or slipped into one, it’s still too early to determine which it was. For perhaps I had been in hibernation mode and was slowly pulling myself from it when a major jolt of reality hit, or it could have been, I had slipped into a coma where I was living a Dali-esque nightmare, equivalent to melting clocks. Which ever it is, just as I was about to comment about the big, beautiful bloom that was about to burst forth, one name sent cold chills of sheer terror down my spine … Darlington.
Guess that explained the drive home on Friday.
I had to wrap my mind around this. When exactly did NASCAR season begin and did I dream somewhere that there was a time, not too many years ago that they held their last Nextel race at the legendary racetrack? But this was beside the point. I wasn’t ready. I failed to practice my passive/aggressive driving that was needed to survive the season. Nor did I have my supply of various driver bumper stickers to paste on the cars of those who chose to cut me off and give me the “I’m number one sign”. My therapist will not be happy, not to mention my cardiologist.
Then I started to ponder and grew concerned. Was I experiencing symptoms of early onset of Alzheimers? I missed spring training. They held spring training for baseball right? After all, the Pirates were on a seven game losing streak (eight after this writing). How can you have a losing streak if you’re in spring training?
I wish I could blame all this confusion on the overlapping of the sports seasons. After all, we’re still following the Stanley Cup playoffs. You know, a game played in the winter, on ice, and yet, I’m hearing speculation on who will win the Nextel Cup this year and of course, there’s the pennant race. Yes, I need someone to blame, otherwise I have to admit that my age is catching up to me.
Of course there’s still the chance that it’s a dream. After all, Prisco and Clark didn’t replace Siskel and Eibert as movie critics, right (be nice here)? But what happened to Gregg Doyel lambasting low talent athletes for posing in SI’s swimsuit edition, did I miss this? Surely he did this, right? Otherwise, the world shifted on it’s axis.
Sadly though, the onus for this is on me. My mind is not what it use to be, otherwise, how can one explain confusing at second day rookie running back drafted, with a nickname “The Tank” with a harpsichord musician? I’m still trying to figure out why I confused Summers with Hubbard (was there a Hubbard in the NFL draft?). And there must be more that I’m phasing out on, as those around me pat me on the head and smile politely, while whispering “poor thing, she’s not really all there, is she?”.
Oh well, I’ll adjust, I hope. I’m still a little too young for my daughter to be wiping drool from my chin, which is a good thing. I just wonder, does Mark Martin happen to have days like this also? Oh…and has anyone seen my keys?
Posted on: January 25, 2009 6:41 am
Yesterday, my daughter, after seeing me wear my Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt, asked about the Superbowl. Yes, I was excited, finally, my daughter showed an interest in football. My excitement was short lived though, because shortly after that, she announced that she was pulling for the Cardinals to win.
Posted on: November 23, 2008 10:45 am
Early Sunday mornings are set aside to clear out the spam from my numerous email accounts. I happened to notice that, along with the regular emails that have informed me that my ex-husband was killed on a dangerous stretch of road in Nigeria, something that seems to occur on a weekly basis (my poor ex has died more times then a cat with nine-lives on that very stretch of road) and how male enhancement products can, in fact, spice up my love life with the woman that I love (which I think they kind of have me confused with someone named Dennis), I found a few new types of emails having crept into my box. One was how I too, can find hot women who are looking for sexually hungry men by responding to their ads on a particular site, and the others from both Match.com and EHarmony.
When I was single, just right after my divorce, the dating lines were just starting up. I was a single parent, who didn't get out too much and a girlfriend and I decided, perhaps for fun, to give the local line a chance. The local newspaper provided a space for it and since it wouldn't cost us any money we each placed one. Hers was along the lines of classy young lady, never married looking for professional male...blah, blah, blah...her hopes were to find a doctor or lawyer. (She found the doctor but that turned into a strange obsession where they both started stalking each other, which is another story).
Mine was along the lines of divorced 30 something down to earth female, enjoys Steelers football, long walks, long talks ...blah blah blah...seeking the same. My friend ended up jealous because I ended up with more hits then she did. I had met a few nice guys out of it and, yes, even chatted with some really wierd ones, but nothing really panned out of it, especially since being newly divorced, I wasn't really seeking a serious relationship.
Being married now, I have no desire to place a personal ad, however, it doesn't stop me from thinking about how I would write one or two of them up. I would be torn on which one I would actually use, the serious one or the fun loving one.
I guess if I were to use the serious one, it would read, mature woman, late 40s, children no longer at home, romantic at heart, enjoys long walks on beaches, watching sunsets, quiet evenings at home, and Sundays watching football, with the spontaneity to run off and go dancing, horseback riding, etc........
However, I'd be more likely to use this one:
Old biddy seeking young stud who doesn't have an adversion to yardwork and organizing garages in exchange for homebaked cookies.
So...if you were to write an ad, what would yours be?